Mother B’s

Frailty, thy name is woman! 

I may not be jumping out of my dead husband’s bed and into his brother’s, but deep down I’m really just as fickle and unreliable as Hamlet’s mom.  I am completely incapable of keeping promises that I make to myself or to others. I’ve been “starting school in a few months” for years now, I never keep in touch with my family although I swear up and down that I’m going to e-mail/call them at least once a week (sorry dearest relatives, I really do mean well), my house is never as clean as I pretend it is (I make piles. Huge, unwieldy piles of stupid useless junk), and I immediately fall off the bakelogging wagon as soon as I hitch a ride.

I think I need a life coach (or just a stronger resolve).

B-t-dubs, I’ve already baked Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s cookies. I just haven’t posted the recipes yet. Prepare yourself, America, for more boozilicous cookies (don’t worry, Mom, these are classy–they’re made with red wine)! 

Mother B’s

Yield: one 9 x 13 x 2 inch pan, about twenty-four  2-inch squares

• 1¾ cups all-purpose flour
• 1½ teaspoons (!!) freshly grated nutmeg
• ½ teaspoon baking soda
• ¼ teaspoon salt
• 8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened (cut into small chunks to speed up softening time if you’re not very good at planning ahead)
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 large egg
• ½ cup buttermilk or sour milk

1. Set a rack in the middle of the oven and preheat oven to 350°F.  Butter the inside of a 9 x 13 x 2 baking pan.  Line with parchment paper, leaving a 1-inch overhang.  Butter the top of the paper (you may ask, “Is this really necessary?”  Nick Malgieri, baking god, insists upon it. Please don’t question his ways; it’s akin to blasphemy).  Set aside.
2. Sift the flour, nutmeg, baking soda, and salt together onto a sheet of parchment paper.  Set aside.
3. With an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat butter and sugar on medium speed until smooth, about 1 minute.  Add in the egg; beat until smooth.  Reduce mixer speed to low.  Slowly pour in half of the dry ingredients (flour mixture!) and mix until incorporated.  With the mixer running, drizzle in the buttermilk.  At this point, turn off the mixer and scrape down the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula, if needed.  Turn the mixer back to low and slowly pour in the remaining dry ingredients.  
4. Remove the paddle and scrape off any remaining batter (or lick it off like you did when you were a kid).  Stir the batter vigorously with the spatula 3 or 4 times.  Pour the batter into prepared pan, being sure to distribute it evenly and smoothly.
5. Bake for 25-30 minutes, or until golden brown and a toothpick (or fancy cake tester!) inserted into the middle comes out clean.  Let cool in pan on wire rack for 10 minutes.  Then, using the paper, lift the cake (I swear at the end of all this it’s a cookie) onto a separate rack to cool completely.
6. To cut into bars, transfer the cookie-cake onto a cutting board.  Remove the paper.  Using a ruler for neatness, cut into 2-inch squares using a large chef’s knife.

Adapted from Cookies Unlimited by Nick Malgieri

Caramel Chocolate Chip Crispy Squares

A recipe such as this is great to have on hand when you’ve frittered away the entire day doing taxes (if you didn’t know by now, I tend to put off doing really big important things by focusing on a motley assortment of meaningless chores–I’ve steam-cleaned the grout in my bathroom instead of writing an essay),checking (and double checking) your credit score, daydreaming about what to do with your “giant” refund, laundry, watching terrible t.v., eating even more terrible sushi (new restaurant has ruined cheap sushi for me) and attempting (and failing) to clean water spots off of the couch (note to self: water doesn’t really work to remove water spots).

These squares kinda taste like a caramel frappucino topped off with a healthy dose of over-processed high fructose corn syrup.  What’s not to love?

Caramel Chocolate Chip Crispy Squares

Yield: 1 pan cut into as many (or as little) squares as you’d like

• non-stick cooking spray for greasing pan and hands
• 3 tablespoons butter
• 1 package Caramel-Vanilla Swirl Jet-Puffed Marshmallows
• 5½ cups puffed rice cereal
• 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

1. Grease 13×9 cake pan with non-stick cooking spray.  Set aside.
2. In a large microwave safe bowl, microwave butter on high for 45 seconds, or until melted.
3. Add in the marshmallows; toss to coat.  Microwave for 1½ minutes, stirring halfway through cooking time. 
4. Stir in the puffed-rice cereal. Fold in the chocolate chips.  Pour mixture into prepared pan. With greased hands press mixture evenly into pan. 
5. Cool completely before cutting into 24 (or 16, 32, 8, or 2…) squares.

Lemon Bars

After rereading the posts from earlier this week, I realized that I was baking only “double” desserts. Part of me wanted to continue the trend that I had inadvertently started, but I just had to use up the piles of  big beautiful lemons in my fruit basket. Even though this is a technically a two layer dessert, I didn’t put any sort of lemon flavoring into the tender crust. Therefore I can’t in good conscious call these “Double Lemon Bars.”  I’m afraid to say that the short lived double trend died on this day, but I’m happy to announce the birth of the lemon trend.  Please welcome the sweet-tart lemon dessert with open-arms.

Lemon Bars

Lemon Bars

Yield: 36 bars

Crust:

• 2 cups all purpose flour
• ½ cup powdered sugar, plus extra for dusting
• 2 tablespoons corn starch
• ¼ teaspoon salt
• ¾ cup butter

Filling:

• 4 eggs, lightly beaten
• 1½ cups granulated sugar
• 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon finely shredded lemon peel (the zest of 1 medium lemon
• ¾ cup lemon juice (fresh squeezed is best, but if you don’t want to sacrifice 4-5 lemons  bottled can be used with little difference in flavor)
• ¼ cup heavy cream (or half-half, light cream, or milk)

1. Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease and flour a 13 x 9 inch baking pan.
2. Make Crust:  In a large mixing bowl, stir together flour, powdered sugar, corn starch, and salt.  Cut in butter with a pastry blender (or if you’re like me and haven’t invested in one of these nifty tools, use two butter knives and literally cut the butter into the flour) until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs.  Pour the entire mixture into the prepared  pan.  Firmly and evenly press the crumbs into the pan, making sure to get it into all the corners (if desired, use the bottom of a juice glass to press the crumbs into the pan).  
3. Bake crust for 18-20 minutes, or until edges are pale golden.
4. Make Filling:  In a medium bowl, whisk together eggs, sugar, flour, lemon peel, and lemon juice, and heavy cream.  Pour filling over hot crust.  Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until filling is just set in the center.
5. Cool completely in pan on wire rack.  Sift with powdered sugar.  Cut into 36 bars (9 x 4).

Double Chocolate Bars

Brownie? Cookie? I’m not really sure what this qualifies as, but it’s delicious.  The bar is chewy and fudgey all at the same time, and the walnuts add a nice crunch.

Double Chocolate Bars

Yield: 16 Bars

• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• ½ teaspoon baking powder
• ½ teaspoon salt
• ¼ cup butter, softened
• ¾ cup granulated sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• ¼ cup light corn syrup
• 2 eggs
• 2 ounces unsweetened chocolate, melted and cooled slightly
• ½ cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
• ½ cup chopped walnuts

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.  Line a 9×9 square baking pan with aluminum foil. Spray with non-stick cooking spray.
2. Sift flour, baking powder, and salt together onto a sheet of parchment paper.
3. In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream butter, sugar and vanilla extract on medium speed until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes.  Add in the corn syrup; beat for another 2 minutes.  Add in the eggs and the cooled melted chocolate; continue to beat until smooth, fluffy, and light brown, about 3 minutes.  Adjust the mixer to low; slowly stir in the flour mixture.  Fold in the chocolate chips and the walnuts.
4. “Pour” (this qualifies more as a thick gloopy cookie dough than a batter, but just roll with it) the batter into prepared pan.  Smooth the top with a silicone spatula.  
5. Bake for 25 minutes.  Let cool completely in pan on wire rack before cutting into 16 bars.

Blackberry Cereal Bars

FAILFAILFAILFAILFAIL!!!

These didn’t turn out quite the way I had planned.  They’re too soggy and I have no idea how to fix it.

Blackberry Cereal Bars

Yield: 16 bars

• 1 can (14 fl oz) sweetened condensed milk
• 2 pints fresh blackberries (about 3 cups)
• 4 cups rice krispies

1. Preheat oven to 250°F. Line a 9 x 13 baking pan with aluminum foil.  Spray lined pan with non-stick cooking spray.
2. In a small saucpan, warm sweetened condensed milk  over very low heat for 5-7 minutes, or until thin and easily pourable.
3. In a large mixing bowl, stir blackberries and rice krispies together.  Fold in the warmed sweetened condensed milk; stir with a silicone spatula until cereal and berries are thoroughly coated in the sticky milk and the entire mixture starts to turn purple.
4. Spread mixture evenly into prepared pan.  Bake for 1 hour, or until dry and crispy looking.  Let cool completely in pan on wire rack before cutting.

Fresh Mint Brownies

I told you that I would be making a lot of recipes from my new cookbook. I normally don’t like mint chocolate, but these brownies are divine!

Fresh Mint Brownies

Yield: 16 brownies

Brownies

• 1½ cups all-purpose flour
• ½ teaspoon salt
• ¼ teaspoon baking soda
• 6 ounces (1½ sticks) unsalted butter, coarsely chopped
• 4 ounces unsweetened chocolate, coarsely chopped
• 2 tablespoons water
• ½ cup finely chopped fresh mint
• 2 cups granulated sugar
• 4 large eggs, lightly beaten

Candied Mint Leaves

•  Organic fresh mint leaves, at least one leaf per brownie
• 1 egg white, lightly beaten until foamy
• ¾ cup granulated sugar

To make the brownies:

1. Center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 325°F.  Line a 9×9 square baking pan with aluminum foil.
2. Sift together the flour, salt, and baking soda onto a sheet of parchment.  Set aside.
3. In a large heavy saucepan set over medium heat, melt together the butter and the chocolate over very low heat, stirring until smooth.  Remove from the heat and add in the water and the mint.  Let cool for 5 minutes.  Press chocolate mixture through a medium mesh sieve into a large bowl; discard the mint.  Stir in the sugar and the eggs with a wooden spoon until well blended.  Stir in the flour mixture until just incorporated.
4. Pour the batter into the prepared baking pan, spreading evenly with the bottom of a spatula.  Bake for 42-45 minutes, or until the top is no longer shiny and a thin crust appears.  Let cool completely in pan on a wire rack before cutting.  

To make the candied mint leaves:

1. Rinse leaves under cool water and dry thoroughly with paper towels.  Line a small baking sheet that will fit in your fridge with aluminum foil; set aside. Have the egg white and the sugar ready in small bowls. 
2. Using a clean small paint or pastry brush, “paint” each leaf, front and back, with the egg white.  Dip the mint leaf in the sugar. As each leaf is coated, place it on the prepared baking sheet.
3. Let the leaves dry in the fridge for at least one hour or up to three days.

To serve:

1. Using the edges of the foil as handles, transfer the entire brownie slab to your cutting board.  Cut into 16 even squares with a large chef’s knife.
2. Top each brownie with a candied mint leaf.  Brownines will keep in an airtight container for up to 3 days.

The Abomination

What new terror have I unleashed upon the world???

I swear, I wasn’t intending to create this monstrosity. I was just looking for an easy thing to throw together after a taxing day of jeans shopping for Andrew (we eventually found a pair that fit just right–it only sucked four precious hours from my life).  

I’ve been reading some old kitschy cookbooks from the 60’s, and a few recipes make reference to chow mein noodles in the ingredients.  I haven’t seen that particular food product in ages; not since my mom threw out the half-empty can that had been sitting in the back of our fridge for 5 years.  But we do have plenty of ramen noodles laying around that are never going to be eaten (Andrew doesn’t have to fend for himself anymore–I can cook!). 

Something came over me while I was in the kitchen (I think Sandra Lee took posession of my soul). I somehow thought that by combining this hodgepodge of ingredients that the end result would be better than the sum of its parts.  

I was wrong.

Terribly, terribly wrong.

The Abomination

The Ingredients

Yield: One 8×8 pan of terror

• 1 can sweetened condensed milk
• 3 packages ramen noodles, finely crushed (Don’t use the seasoning packet–this thing is scary enough)
• 1 cup m&ms mini baking bits
• 1 cup mini marshmallows

1. Preheat oven to 250°F.  Spray an 8×8 baking pan with non stick cooking spray.
2. Warm the sweetened condensed milk over low heat.
3. Combine the ramen noodle bits, m&m minis, and the marshmallows in a large mixing bowl.  Add the sweetened condensed milk and mix thoroughly.
4. Pour the whole mess into prepared pan.  Smooth with the back of a spatula.  Bake for 45 minutes to an hour, or until set.  Let cool completely in pan on wire rack before cutting.
5. Abandon all hope of passing this off as a cookie.

Cranberry Almond Oatmeal Squares

I have a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant in the city with Leigh in an hour!!  I have absolutely no time for a witty commentary on my day.  Enjoy the cookies!

Cranberry Almond Oatmeal Squares

Yield: 20 bars

• 1½ cups flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 1 cup unsalted butter, browned and slightly cooled
• ¾ cup granulated sugar
• ¾ cup honey
• 2 eggs 
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 3 cups oatmeal
• 1 cup sweetened dried cranberries 
• 1 cup almonds, coarsely chopped

1. Preheat oven to 350°F. Line a 13 x 9 baking pan with aluminum foil.  Set aside.
2. Combine flour, baking soda, and salt in a small bowl.  Set aside.
3. In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, mix together browned butter, sugar, and honey on LOW speed until combined (I seriously burned my hand today because I started my mixer off on too high of a speed.  Hot melted butter flew everywhere! It solidified before I was ready to wipe everything down, and clean up was really a pain).  Add in the eggs and vanilla extract.  Beat on medium speed (remember, gradual speed increases are your friend) until fluffy and smooth, about 2 minutes.  Reduce the mixer to low, slowly add in the flour mixture until just combined.  Add in the oats, and then the cranberries and almonds.
4. Pour dough into prepared baking pan.  With greased hands (non-stick cooking spray is awesome!)  pat dough evenly into the pan.
5. Bake for 30-35 minutes, or until golden.  Let cool completely in pan on wire rack before cutting.

Breakfast Bars

This recipe is adapted from one by Nigella Lawson.  I absolutely love her! She is bosomy, bottomy, British, and an amazing cook. Can you ask for anything else?   

These bars are absolutely amazing! They are infinitely better than the storebought trail mix bars, and you can control exactly what goes into them.  There’s no HFCS, MSG, or potassium benzoate in these puppies; only wholesome ingredients from your pantry.

Breakfast Bars

Yield: 16 bars

Breakfast Bars

• 1 14-fl-oz can sweetened condensed milk
• 2½ cups rolled oats (not instant)
• 1 cup dried apricot, cut into bite sized pieces
• 1 cup dried cranberries
• 1 cup crushed almonds
• 1 cup peanuts

Midnight Brownies

My friend Beverly recently tagged me in one of those fake wall photos that have been going around facebook (first the 25 random questions craze, and now this. What new terrible trend will next appear on the social networking horizon?)  She tagged me as “most likely to complain about dirt.”  I was extremely confused (and simultaneously flattered/offended) by her impression of me.  When she knew me in high school, I wasn’t the cleanest girl in the classroom–I was (and am in some part to this day) extremely unorganized and I tend to leave my bedroom looking like a trailer park in Oklahoma after a tornado tears through town.  

But after spending some time reflecting, I realized that 9 times out of 10, I get into fights with (or much more likely–secretly loathe and hold grudges against) my roommates because I am forever and always cleaning up after them.  Just last week, I spent all afternoon cleaning the apartment in preparation for Rebecca’s (Wes’s new bride) visit.  I scrubbed, polished, and dusted–I even mopped! And I didn’t really mind because I find something very calming about cleaning all of my possessions and returning everything to its rightful place.  But I do mind having all of my efforts go to waste.  I woke up the next morning (after finishing up at midnight!!) to find that someone (Wes) had tracked muddy, slushy footprints all over my freshly cleaned floors.  I actually screamed in horror when I saw how my gleaming kitchen floor had been transformed into a dull, cakey mess.  Did I confront him about it? Of course not.  Instead, I wanted to buy a doormat and paint this phrase on it:

Please wipe your f–ing dirty feet before you come into my pristine apartment and ruin all of my  hard work, or I will be forced to hurt you.

Love,

Sarah

Unfortunately, Andrew vetoed the idea. He doesn’t think it’ll go over so well with the neighbors.   

Midnight Brownies

The Picture

Yield: 16 squares

• 1½ cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
• 6 tablespoons butter
• 2 eggs
• 1/3 cup honey
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• ½ cup all-purpose flour
• ½ teaspoon baking powder
• ½ cup chopped pecans, plus 16 pecan halves for garnish

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.  Line a 9 inch square baking dish with aluminum foil leaving a one inch overhang on all sides (the easiest way to do this is to flip the pan upside down and mold the foil to the base.  Then, flip the pan right side up and place the foil inside, tucking into all the corners).
2. In a medium saucepan set over medium-low heat, melt butter and chocolate together, stirring constantly. Set aside.
3. In a large mixing bowl, beat eggs thoroughly with a wire whisk.  Slowly whisk in the honey (to get the honey to pour out of your measuring cup easily, lightly spray your cup with non-stick cooking spray before you pour in the honey).  Add in the cooled melted chocolate and the vanilla; whisk until combined.  Whisk in the flour and the baking powder.  Stir in the pecans.
4. Pour batter into prepared baking pan; smooth top with spatula.  Place pecan halves evenly on top of batter, 4 across and 4 down.  Bake for 23-25 minutes.  Cool completely on wire rack before cutting into squares.