Resentment Cookies

Welcome to my apartment.

We're not very classy here.

In fact, we don't mind living in filth.

Or reading it, for that matter.

Most of our furniture is old and broken.

Sometimes we try to fix it with mighty putty.

Sometimes we don't.

Our drawers are broken also.

So are our walls.

And our doors.

And our door knobs.

But we do have a lot of clutter.

Here's more.

And more.

And more.

We have a lot of meat.

But we don't have milk.

We shove our nice things in a corner.

But proudly display our trash for all to see.

We have cats who contribute to the filth.

Our neighbors help out too.

As does the building's super.

And the water heaters on the fourth floor help a bit too.

Isn't it lovely here?

Don't you want to stay a while?

I'll even make you cookies!

Resentment Cookies

Yield: more than you can handle

• 4 bags of putrid trash sitting in the entryway
• 2 holes, one in the wall, one in the door
• 1 unwashed foreman grill blocking access to the mixer
• A freezer full of poorly wrapped meat
• 1 broken coffee table
• an apartment full of dirty sticky floors
• 1 overflowing litter-box
• A missing 3 on the door
• 1 epic cobweb in the hallway door-frame
• A fridge containing more alcohol than vegetables
• 3 messy 20-something male roommates
• 2 overactive needy cats
• 1 obscenely dirty bathtub
• Playboy magazine on the back of the toilet
• a nosebleed upon waking
• No milk

1. Place all ingredients  in an overgrown college town in New Jersey.  Stir to combine.
2. Let fester inside of an overworked waitress for 8-10 months.  Let said waitress attempt to make coffee after wiping blood off of her face with a paper towel because she couldn’t get into the bathroom to wash it because one of the roommates was taking twenty minutes to take a dump (while reading Playboy).  Waitress will realize there is no milk after the coffee has already been made.  Give her a can of sweetened condensed milk.  Coffee is now far too sweet to consume.
3. Stand back and watch the ensuing hissy fit as waitress locks herself in the bathroom.  Let cool for an hour, then make some inane comment about how much you hate FIOS.
4. Go fuck yourself.

St. Patty’s Parade Irish Cream Sandwiches

These cookies are unbelievably good!  The cookie itself is unbelievably tender, and has a lovely hint of Bailey’s flavor. Combining these delicate cookies with the Irish butter-cream filling brings these up to an unbelievable level.  Since the filling isn’t cooked, you may get a tad tipsy if you eat enough of it (which is really what the Hoboken St.Patrick’s Day Parade is all about–I was one of seven sober people in the entire town).

St. Patty’s Parade Irish Cream Sandwiches

Yield: 24 medium-sized sandwich cookies (your yield will differ based on the type of cutter you use)

Cookies:

St. Patty's Parade Irish Cream Sandwiches

• 4 cups all purpose flour
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon baking powder
• 1 cup butter, softened
• 1½ cups white sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 egg yolk
• 1 egg
• 1 cup Irish cream liqueur

Irish Butter-cream Filling:

• 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
• 2 cups powdered sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 1/8 cup Irish cream liqueur

1. Sift flour, salt, and baking powder together.  Set aside.
2. In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment cream together butter and sugar on medium high speed until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes.  Add in the egg yolk and vanilla extract; beat until smooth. Scrape down the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula.  Add in the egg; beat until smooth.   Reduce the speed to medium; add in the liqueur and beat until smooth.  Reduce the speed to low; slowly stir in the flour mixture until just incorporated.
3. Divide dough in thirds, wrap each third in plastic wrap.  Refrigerate dough for 2 hours, or up to 10.
4. Preheat oven to 350°F.  Line baking sheets with parchment paper or silicone liners.
5. Roll out dough, one disk at a time, until 1/4 inch thick.  Cut out desired shapes (I used a sheep, because I didn’t have a shamrock).  Bake for 7 minutes, or until pale golden around the edges.  Let rest on baking sheets for 5 minutes before transferring to wire racks to cool completely.  

Irish Buttercream Filling:

1.  In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream butter on medium speed until very light, about 2 minutes.  Adjust the mixer to low, add in the powdered sugar, salt, and vanilla extract.  Beat until it comes together.  Adjust the mixer to medium, add in the liqueur in a thin stream.  Beat until fluffy.
2. Spread filling on the back of one cookie, and sandwich it together with another one.  

Chocolate Nut Balls

I felt like the most efficient of 1960’s homemakers today.  I used what I had on hand to make a delicious homemade treat in mere minutes, and it’s chock full of corn syrup and booze!! Who could possibly ask for anything more? 

Chocolate Nut Balls

Yield: 3½ dozen balls

• 2½ cups finely crushed vanilla wafers (about 30 home-made, or 60 store-bought)
• 1 cup powdered sugar
• 1 cup walnuts, finely crushed
• 2 tablespoons cocoa powder
• ¼ cup light corn syrup
• ¼ cup hazelnut liqueur
• granulated sugar

1. Combine crushed vanilla wafers, powdered sugar, walnuts, and cocoa powder in a large mixing bowl.  Add in the corn syrup; mix well.  Stir in the hazelnut liqueur.  Add in a few drops of water or milk if needed to bring the mixture together.
2. Roll teaspoons of dough into one inch balls.  Roll balls in granulated sugar.
3. Store in an airtight container.