Caramel Chocolate Chip Crispy Squares

A recipe such as this is great to have on hand when you’ve frittered away the entire day doing taxes (if you didn’t know by now, I tend to put off doing really big important things by focusing on a motley assortment of meaningless chores–I’ve steam-cleaned the grout in my bathroom instead of writing an essay),checking (and double checking) your credit score, daydreaming about what to do with your “giant” refund, laundry, watching terrible t.v., eating even more terrible sushi (new restaurant has ruined cheap sushi for me) and attempting (and failing) to clean water spots off of the couch (note to self: water doesn’t really work to remove water spots).

These squares kinda taste like a caramel frappucino topped off with a healthy dose of over-processed high fructose corn syrup.  What’s not to love?

Caramel Chocolate Chip Crispy Squares

Yield: 1 pan cut into as many (or as little) squares as you’d like

• non-stick cooking spray for greasing pan and hands
• 3 tablespoons butter
• 1 package Caramel-Vanilla Swirl Jet-Puffed Marshmallows
• 5½ cups puffed rice cereal
• 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

1. Grease 13×9 cake pan with non-stick cooking spray.  Set aside.
2. In a large microwave safe bowl, microwave butter on high for 45 seconds, or until melted.
3. Add in the marshmallows; toss to coat.  Microwave for 1½ minutes, stirring halfway through cooking time. 
4. Stir in the puffed-rice cereal. Fold in the chocolate chips.  Pour mixture into prepared pan. With greased hands press mixture evenly into pan. 
5. Cool completely before cutting into 24 (or 16, 32, 8, or 2…) squares.

Bird’s Nest Cookies

Happy Easter!!!

Bird’s Nest Cookies

Yield: 24 cookies

Bird's Nest Cookie

• 1¼ cups sweetened flaked coconut
• 2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
• ½ teaspoon baking soda
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature
• ½ cup granulated sugar
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• about 60 mini robins eggs (the speckled malted delicious ones you can only find at Easter)

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.  Spread the coconut in an even layer on a rimmed baking sheet and bake for 8-10 minutes, stirring every 2 minutes or so, until golden brown (watch this carefully!! Once coconut takes a turn towards the dark side, it’s ruined forevermore).  Let cool on baking sheet (or if you’re like me and only have the two good baking sheets, transfer the coconut to a pie plate or cake pan).  Line two baking sheets with parchment paper or silicone baking sheets.
2. Sift flour, baking soda, and salt together onto a sheet of parchment (y0u can reuse the same sheet almost indefinetely if it’s just for the sifting).  Set aside.
3. In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream the butter and sugar on medium high speed for 2 minutes, or until light and fluffy.  Add in the egg and vanilla extract; beat well.  Adjust the mixer to low; slowly pour in the flour mixture and stir until just combined.
4. Roll the dough into 1¼ inch balls.  Roll each ball in the toasted coconut (be sure to coat thoroughly).  Place the coconut coated dough balls onto prepared baking sheets, spacing 3 inches apart, twelve balls per sheet.  Press your finger straight down into the middle of the balls for tall high nests, or wiggle it around a little for wide flat nests.
5. Bake for 10-12 minutes, or until golden.  Let cool completely on baking sheets.
6. To serve, place 3 candy eggs in the center of the cookie. I like to match the colors (the blue is the most natural looking), but they look just as cute with a mishmash of colored eggs.

Double Peanut Butter Cookies

I made baller cookies on a day that I worked a double!!! It’s honestly really unexpected.  

Double Peanut Butter Cookies

Yield: 2 dozen

• 1½ cups all-purpose flour
• ½ teaspoon baking soda
• ¼ teaspoon salt
• ½ cup granulated sugar
• ½ cup shortening (Crisco is the only shortening you should even consider using when baking–off-brands make off cookies)
• ½ cup peanut butter, plus extra for filling
• ¼ cup light corn syrup
• 1 tablespoon milk

1. In the work bowl of a stand mixer, sift flour, baking soda, and salt together.  Add in the sugar.  Using the paddle attachment and with the mixer running on low, cut in the shortening and the peanut butter until the mixture resembles a coarse meal, about 2 minutes. 
2. Scrape down the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula.  Add in the corn syrup (spray your measuring cup with non-stick cooking spray to help the syrup slide out easier) and the milk.   Beat on medium speed until dough comes together, about 1-2 minutes.
3. Turn out dough onto a piece of parchment paper.  Gather all the crumbs and compress into a  12 x 2 inch log.  Fold the parchment over and around the log and roll the covered log back and forth on the counter-top until the log is a smooth, even, firmly compressed cylinder.  Wrap the dough cylinder up  in the parchment paper like a deli sandwich. Secure with sticky tape (good luck with this–parchment is non-stick for a reason). Place wrapped dough in the fridge for 30 minutes..
4. Preheat oven to 350°. Line baking sheets with parchment paper or silicone liners.
5. Cut dough into ¼ slices.  Place half of the slices onto prepared baking sheets 2 inches apart.  Put a scant ½ teaspoon of peanut butter in the center of each slice.  Top with remaining slices.  Seal the edges of each cookie with the tines of a fork.
6. Bake for 11-13 minutes, or until just golden around the edges.  Let rest on pans for 5 minutes before removing to wire racks to cool completely.

Blackberry Cereal Bars

FAILFAILFAILFAILFAIL!!!

These didn’t turn out quite the way I had planned.  They’re too soggy and I have no idea how to fix it.

Blackberry Cereal Bars

Yield: 16 bars

• 1 can (14 fl oz) sweetened condensed milk
• 2 pints fresh blackberries (about 3 cups)
• 4 cups rice krispies

1. Preheat oven to 250°F. Line a 9 x 13 baking pan with aluminum foil.  Spray lined pan with non-stick cooking spray.
2. In a small saucpan, warm sweetened condensed milk  over very low heat for 5-7 minutes, or until thin and easily pourable.
3. In a large mixing bowl, stir blackberries and rice krispies together.  Fold in the warmed sweetened condensed milk; stir with a silicone spatula until cereal and berries are thoroughly coated in the sticky milk and the entire mixture starts to turn purple.
4. Spread mixture evenly into prepared pan.  Bake for 1 hour, or until dry and crispy looking.  Let cool completely in pan on wire rack before cutting.

Syrup-Ready Fluffy Pan Grillers

Syrup-Ready Fluffy Pan Grillers

Syrup-Ready Fluffy Pan Grillers

Yield: 12 

• 1¾ cups whole-wheat or all purpose flour
• 1 tablespoon baking powder
• ¼ teaspoon salt
• 2 tablespoons firmly packed brown sugar
• 1½ cups milk
• 1 egg, lightly beaten
• 3 tablespoons vegetable oil

1. In a medium mixing bowl, stir together flour, baking powder, salt, and brown sugar.  Set aside.
2. In a small mixing bowl, whisk milk, egg, and vegetable oil together until smooth.
3. Dump milk mixture all at once into the flour mixture.  Stir just until moist, about 10 times around the bowl with a wooden spoon (batter will be lumpy).  
4. Melt a small amount of butter in a large skillet set over medium heat. When drops of water thrown onto the skillet dance around, the skillet is hot enough.
5. Pour a ¼ cup of batter onto the pan in a circular shape.  Cook for 1-2 minutes on each side. When bubbles appear in the center of the batter and the edges appear dry, it’s ready to flip.  Repeat with remaining batter.  Serve Syrup-Ready Fluffy Pan Grillers warm with butter, syrup, and bacon. Best eaten in the morning hours.

Crispy Chocolate Chip Cookies

Uneventful Day + Delicous Cookies = Fairly Boring Blog Post

Crispy Chocolate Chip Cookies

Yield: 30 cookies

Crispy Chocolate Chip Cookies

• 1¼ cups all purpose flour
• ½ teaspoon baking soda
• ½ teaspoon salt
• ½ cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted and cooled to body temperature
• ½ cup granulated sugar
• ½ cup firmly packed brown sugar
• 1 egg, at room temperature
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup chocolate chips
• 2 cups rice krispies

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.  Line two baking sheets with parchment paper or silicone liners.
2. Sift flour, baking soda, and salt together onto a piece of parchment paper (it’s reusable and you don’t have to wash a bowl!). Set aside.
3. In the bowl of  stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat cooled melted butter and sugars together on medium speed until thoroughly combined, about 1 minute.  Add in the egg and vanilla extract, beat until smooth.  Reduce the mixer speed to low; slowly add in the flour mixture  and stir until just combined.  Fold in the chocolate chips and rice krispies.  Cover bowl with plastic wrap and place in the fridge for 10 minutes (or up to 6 hours) to firm up.
4. Drop the  dough by rounded tablespoons onto prepared baking sheet about 3 inches apart (the dough is very crumbly–you may have to form the dough into balls with your hands).  Bake cookies for 10-13 minutes, or until pale golden around the edges.  Let cookies rest on baking sheets for 5 minutes before transferring to wire racks to cool completely.

Butterfly Cookies

I do not have the patience for decorating.  I was envisioning wedgewood china, and I ended up with this:

Ugly Butterflies

Maybe one day when I have actual pastry bags instead of modified ziploc baggies, I’ll put forth the effort to make my cookies professional looking.  Until then, they’ll look a little “interesting.”

Butterfly Cookies

Butterfly Cookie

Yield: 30 cookies

• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1 cup butter, softened
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 egg
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• Food Coloring.

1. Preheat oven to 400°F.  Line two baking sheets with parchment paper or silicone liners.
2. Combine flour and baking powder in a small bowl.  Set aside.
3. Cream butter and sugar together with an electric mixer on medium high speed until light and fluffy.  Add in the egg and vanilla extract; beat until smooth. Add in any desired food coloring (I used 20 drops blue and 10 drops green); beat until smooth. Stir in the flour mixture until just incorporated. There is no need to chill dough.  Just plough on through to step 4.
4. Divide dough in half.  Roll each half into a ball.  Working with one ball at a time, roll out to a ¼ inch thickness on a lightly floured work surface.  Cut out butterfly shapes and place on prepared baking sheets.  
5. Bake for 6 minutes. Don’t let the cookies brown at all. Let cookies rest on baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to wire racks to cool completely.
6. Decorate with Royal Icing if desired.

Royal Icing

• 1 egg white
• 1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

1. Beat egg white on medium speed with an electric mixer until foamy.  
2. Add in the powdered sugar, 1 tablespoon at a time, and beat until stiff peaks form.  Beat in the vanilla extract.  Cover with a dampened paper towel until ready to use.

Sour Cream Chocolate Chip Cookies

My mixer is broken.  But on the plus side  we have a new coffee table.  On the down side, my mixer is broken and my boyfriend is being a belligerent asshole.  Oh beer pong, how I hate thee.

Sour Cream Chocolate Chip Cookies

Yield: 30 cookies

• 2¼ cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
• ½ cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted
• ½ cup sour cream (full fat is tastier)
• 1½ cups granulated sugar
• 2 eggs
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2 cups chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 375°F. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper or silicone liners.
2. Combine flour, baking soda, and salt in a small mixing bowl.  Set aside.
3. Cream butter, sour cream, and sugar together until light and fluffy.  Add in the eggs and vanilla extract.  Beat well. Slowly add in the flour mixture; beat until just incorporated.  Stir in the chocolate chips.  Place bowl in the fridge for 10 minutes to firm up.
4. Drop dough by rounded tablespoons onto prepared baking sheets 3 inches apart.  Bake for 9-11 minutes, or until pale golden.  Let rest on baking sheets for 5 minutes before removing to wire racks to cool completely.

No-Bake Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

I think that this is the only no bake oatmeal raisin cookie recipe in existence.  And I created it all by myself!!!!

No-Bake Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

Yield: 2 dozenish

• 1¾ cup sugar
• 1 stick butter
• ½ cup water or milk
• ½ teaspoon cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 3 cups regular or old-fashioned oats
• 1 cup raisins

1. In a medium saucepan set over medium heat bring sugar, butter, water (or milk!), and cinnamon to a rolling boil.  Boil for two minutes.  Stir in the vanilla extract.  Stir in the oats and raisins.
2. Drop by rounded tablespoons onto a sheet of parchment or wax paper.  Let harden for 10 minutes before eating.
3. While cookies are hardening, scrape every last bit of goodness off of the pot.

Resentment Cookies

Welcome to my apartment.

We're not very classy here.

In fact, we don't mind living in filth.

Or reading it, for that matter.

Most of our furniture is old and broken.

Sometimes we try to fix it with mighty putty.

Sometimes we don't.

Our drawers are broken also.

So are our walls.

And our doors.

And our door knobs.

But we do have a lot of clutter.

Here's more.

And more.

And more.

We have a lot of meat.

But we don't have milk.

We shove our nice things in a corner.

But proudly display our trash for all to see.

We have cats who contribute to the filth.

Our neighbors help out too.

As does the building's super.

And the water heaters on the fourth floor help a bit too.

Isn't it lovely here?

Don't you want to stay a while?

I'll even make you cookies!

Resentment Cookies

Yield: more than you can handle

• 4 bags of putrid trash sitting in the entryway
• 2 holes, one in the wall, one in the door
• 1 unwashed foreman grill blocking access to the mixer
• A freezer full of poorly wrapped meat
• 1 broken coffee table
• an apartment full of dirty sticky floors
• 1 overflowing litter-box
• A missing 3 on the door
• 1 epic cobweb in the hallway door-frame
• A fridge containing more alcohol than vegetables
• 3 messy 20-something male roommates
• 2 overactive needy cats
• 1 obscenely dirty bathtub
• Playboy magazine on the back of the toilet
• a nosebleed upon waking
• No milk

1. Place all ingredients  in an overgrown college town in New Jersey.  Stir to combine.
2. Let fester inside of an overworked waitress for 8-10 months.  Let said waitress attempt to make coffee after wiping blood off of her face with a paper towel because she couldn’t get into the bathroom to wash it because one of the roommates was taking twenty minutes to take a dump (while reading Playboy).  Waitress will realize there is no milk after the coffee has already been made.  Give her a can of sweetened condensed milk.  Coffee is now far too sweet to consume.
3. Stand back and watch the ensuing hissy fit as waitress locks herself in the bathroom.  Let cool for an hour, then make some inane comment about how much you hate FIOS.
4. Go fuck yourself.