Blackberry Cereal Bars

FAILFAILFAILFAILFAIL!!!

These didn’t turn out quite the way I had planned.  They’re too soggy and I have no idea how to fix it.

Blackberry Cereal Bars

Yield: 16 bars

• 1 can (14 fl oz) sweetened condensed milk
• 2 pints fresh blackberries (about 3 cups)
• 4 cups rice krispies

1. Preheat oven to 250°F. Line a 9 x 13 baking pan with aluminum foil.  Spray lined pan with non-stick cooking spray.
2. In a small saucpan, warm sweetened condensed milk  over very low heat for 5-7 minutes, or until thin and easily pourable.
3. In a large mixing bowl, stir blackberries and rice krispies together.  Fold in the warmed sweetened condensed milk; stir with a silicone spatula until cereal and berries are thoroughly coated in the sticky milk and the entire mixture starts to turn purple.
4. Spread mixture evenly into prepared pan.  Bake for 1 hour, or until dry and crispy looking.  Let cool completely in pan on wire rack before cutting.

The Abomination

What new terror have I unleashed upon the world???

I swear, I wasn’t intending to create this monstrosity. I was just looking for an easy thing to throw together after a taxing day of jeans shopping for Andrew (we eventually found a pair that fit just right–it only sucked four precious hours from my life).  

I’ve been reading some old kitschy cookbooks from the 60’s, and a few recipes make reference to chow mein noodles in the ingredients.  I haven’t seen that particular food product in ages; not since my mom threw out the half-empty can that had been sitting in the back of our fridge for 5 years.  But we do have plenty of ramen noodles laying around that are never going to be eaten (Andrew doesn’t have to fend for himself anymore–I can cook!). 

Something came over me while I was in the kitchen (I think Sandra Lee took posession of my soul). I somehow thought that by combining this hodgepodge of ingredients that the end result would be better than the sum of its parts.  

I was wrong.

Terribly, terribly wrong.

The Abomination

The Ingredients

Yield: One 8×8 pan of terror

• 1 can sweetened condensed milk
• 3 packages ramen noodles, finely crushed (Don’t use the seasoning packet–this thing is scary enough)
• 1 cup m&ms mini baking bits
• 1 cup mini marshmallows

1. Preheat oven to 250°F.  Spray an 8×8 baking pan with non stick cooking spray.
2. Warm the sweetened condensed milk over low heat.
3. Combine the ramen noodle bits, m&m minis, and the marshmallows in a large mixing bowl.  Add the sweetened condensed milk and mix thoroughly.
4. Pour the whole mess into prepared pan.  Smooth with the back of a spatula.  Bake for 45 minutes to an hour, or until set.  Let cool completely in pan on wire rack before cutting.
5. Abandon all hope of passing this off as a cookie.

Your Mom Cookies

Question: Why are these called Your Mom Cookies?

Answer:  Because they’re cheap and easy (just like your mom)!

Your Mom Cookies

Yield: 6 cookies

• 2 packets maple and brown sugar instant oatmeal
• 1 egg
• ¼  cup unsalted butter, melted
• 4 tablespoons brown sugar
• ¼ cup all-purpose flour
• ½ teaspoon vanilla
• handful of raisins (optional)

1. Preheat oven to 350ºF.  Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or aluminum foil.
2. Combine all ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Stir with a wooden spoon until combined.
3. Drop dough on prepared baking sheet into 6 large rounds.  Flatten slightly with a juice glass dipped in sugar.
4. Bake for 11-13 minutes, or until golden around the edges.  
5. Let rest on cookie sheet for a few minutes before transferring to wire rack to cool completely (Who am I kidding with this last step? This recipe makes six cookies.  You’re going to eat them as soon as they come out of the oven, aren’t you? Don’t worry.  No one will judge you–except maybe your cat).

Mocha Oatmeal Drops

I thought that the chocolate chips would stay somewhat solid when stirred into the batter.  I was sorely mistaken.  Don’t get me wrong, the cookie does have a very nice mocha flavor, but I was hoping for a mostly coffee flavored cookie with little bits of chocolate sprinkled throughout.   Perhaps this particular flavor combo would be better presented in a classic drop cookie.

On a side note, spell check just crashed in wordpress.  I tend to make a lot of typos–have fun deciphering this recipe without it!!

Mocha Oatmeal Drops

Yield: 24ish cookies

• 2 cups sugar
• 1 stick butter
• 1 tablespoon instant coffee granules
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup hazelnuts, finely ground
• 3 cups old-fashioned oats
• 1 cup chocolate chips

1. In a medium saucepan over medium heat, bring sugar, butter, instant coffee, and milk to a rolling boil.  Boil for 2 minutes, stirring constantly.  Remove from heat.
2. Stir in vanilla extract, hazelnuts, oats, and chocolate chips.  Drop by rounded tablespoons onto parchment paper.  Let cool for 15 minutes before serving.

Chocolate-Dipped Hazelnut Meringues

I came up with this recipe all by myself!!! I know that sounds really childish, but I’m extremely proud of this simple, yet sophisticated, cookie.  When I make these again, I’ll be sure to take more time when piping them out so they look a little bit more professional (and less like mud puddles dipped in chocolate).

Chocolate-Dipped Hazelnut Meringues

Yield: 24 Meringues

• 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil (or whatever near flavorless oil you have on hand)
• 1 cup hazelnuts
• 1 cup sugar, divided
• 3 large egg whites
• ¼ teaspoon cream of tartar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup dark chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 275°F.  Line two baking sheets with parchment paper or silicone liners.
2. Heat extra-virgin olive oil (for the love of all that is holy, do NOT refer to this as EVOO–it is extra-virgin olive oil. Is not putting forth the effort needed to pronounce those three extra syllables really worth sounding like a mindless rayrayclone?) over medium heat in a large skillet until glistening.  Add in the hazelnuts and toast for 8-10 minutes, stirring constantly, until a shade darker and fragrant.  Dump nuts into a clean dish towel and rub off skins. Let cool.
3. Combine cooled hazelnuts and ¼ cup of the sugar in the work bowl of a food processor.  Process in pulses until finely ground.  Set aside.
4. In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the wire whisk attachment, beat egg whites and cream of tartar on medium speed until loose and a little frothy, about 30 seconds.  Kick up the speed to high; add remaining 3/4 cup sugar in a slow steady stream.  Continue whipping egg whites until they hold a stiff peak, between 3 and 5 minutes, being very careful not to over-beat them.
5. Fold in hazelnut mixture and vanilla extract with a rubber spatula, being careful not to deflate the meringue.  Put meringue in a pastry bag fitted with a star tip (or in a large ziploc baggie with the tip cut off).  Pipe large “fingers” (1 x 3 inch bars) onto prepared baking sheets.  Bake for 40 minutes, or until dry and hollow.  Immediately remove to wire racks to cool completely.
6. Melt chocolate in double boiler or in the microwave.  Dip ends of cookies into melted chocolate, return to wire racks to cool.

buttery raisin cookies

Wow.  These cookies are worthy of Friday Fuck Ups.  I followed Lauren Chattman’s original recipe to the letter (including beating everything with a wooden spoon).  While mixing cookies the old-fashioned way is great for taking out some pent-up aggression, it does absolutely nothing for the end result.  In fact, I ended up with this:

Buttery Raisin Cookies

Do you see this pancake-like abomination that is trying to pass itself off as a cookie????  I should have seen this coming from a mile away; the original recipe calls for no leavening agents  and virtually no creaming time to pump air into the batter.  Of course the end result will resemble Calista Flockhart’s chest!  I rewrote the recipe, calling for an electric mixer and a significantly longer creaming time.  Hopefully this will improve upon the resulting cookie. I don’t have the time to test my theory today (work starts in about ten minutes, and I’m nowhere near ready).  If anyone else wants to don their aprons in the name of science and post the results in the comments, I would be really appreciative.  Good luck fellow bakers, and Godspeed.

Buttery Raisin Cookies

Yield: 24 cookies

• ½ cup flour
• ½ teaspoon salt
• ¾ cup (1½ sticks) unsalted butter, softened
• ½ cup granulated sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1½ teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 cup raisins

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.  Line two baking sheets with parchment or silicone liners.
2. Combine flour and salt in a smal mixing bowl; set aside.
3. In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream butter and sugar on medium-high speed until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes.  Add in the eggs and vanilla extract; beat until smooth.  Adjust the mixer to low; stir in the flour mixture until just incorporated.  Fold in the raisins.
4. Drop dough by rounded teaspoonfuls onto prepared baking sheet, 12 per sheet.  Bake for 10-12 minutes, rotating pans from front to back and top to bottom halfway through cooking time.  Let cookies rest for 5 minutes on sheets before transferring to wire racks to cool completely.

Rocky Road Cookies

I really screwed up with these cookies.  I’ve made them several times before and I have never ruined them like this before.  I couldn’t find soft caramel candies at the grocery store.  Naturally, I decided that caramel ice cream topping would make an acceptable substitute. I thought that it would just make a nice caramel swirl in the dough.  But instead, it completely melted into everything and made the dough super ooeygooey.  Perhaps if the ice cream topping was cold and the dough was chilled for at least 30 minutes before adding in the caramel they would turn out.  Instead, I ended up with this:

Which then turned into this when I tried to take them off the pan:

I guarantee that if you follow this recipe exactly (and use caramel candies instead of sauce) you will end up with delicious cookies instead of a bowl of cookie flavored goop. 

Rocky Road Cookies (yes they are)

Yield: Questionable, maybe 2 dozen?

• 2 cups bittersweet chocolate chips
• ½ cup (1 stick) butter, cut into pieces
• 2/3 cup flour (I added at least 2/3 cup more at the end)
• ½ teaspoon baking powder
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 4 eggs
• 1½ cups sugar
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 cup marshmallows
• 1 cup finely chopped nuts (pecans and walnuts)
• 10 ounces caramel ice cream topping (this was a terrible idea!!! Try using chopped up caramel candies instead)

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.  Line two baking sheets with silicone liners (use these if you have them–these are unbelievably sticky!) or parchment paper.
2. In a double boiler, melt chocolate chips and butter together over medium-high heat.  Set aside to cool slightly.
3. Stir flour, baking powder and salt together.  Set aside.
4. In the bowl of stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat eggs and sugar together on medium speed until pale and fluffy, about 5 minutes. With the mixer set to low, stir in the chocolate mixture and vanilla extract until thoroughly incorporated.  Fold in the flour mixture until just combined.  Stir in the marshmallows, nuts and caramel pieces (for the love of all that is holy, do not use ice cream topping). Cover mixing bowl with plastic wrap; place in the fridge for 30 minutes to firm up.
5. Drop dough by heaping tablespoonfuls onto baking sheets leaving at least 3 inches in between each cookie. Bake for 10-12 minutes, or until tops are cracked and shiny.  Let cookies hang out on baking sheets for 5 minutes before removing to wire racks to cool completely.

Nutella Ribbon Bars

The original recipe for Nutella Ribbon Bars recommended using a food processor to work the dough. If I actually had a KitchenAid® Martha Stewart Blue Collection 12-Cup Food Processor  (hint hint!!) maybe this cookie would have actually stayed together, instead of crumbling into oblivion.  

Nutella Ribbon Bars

Yield: 16 bars

• ¾ cup walnuts, finely chopped
• ½ cup all-purpose flour
• ½ teaspoon baking powder
• ¼ teaspoon salt
• 2/3 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
• ½ cup (1 stick) butter, browned
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 1½ cups rolled oats
• ¾ cup Nutella

1. Preheat oven to 375°F.  Line an 8 x 8 square baking dish with aluminum foil leaving a once inch overhang; spray with non-stick cooking spray to ensure even release.
2. Combine walnuts, flour, baking powder, salt, and brown sugar in a medium sized mixing bowl. Mix with a rubber spatula until evenly distributed.  Add in the browned butter and the vanilla extract.  Mix until smooth.  Fold in the oats.  
3. Divide dough in two.  Press one half of the dough into the bottom pan, firmly and evenly smushing with your fingertips.  Put the other half in the freezer for 5 minutes.
4. Spread the Nutella evenly over the crust in the pan (this is difficult–Nutella is thick and sticky. Maybe try heating it up for a few seconds in the microwave to make it easier to spread).
5. Sprinkle the rest of the dough over the Nutella layer, smushing the dough into pea-sized pieces as you go.
6. Bake until the top is deep golden, about 25-30 minutes.  Let cool completely on wire rack.  Remove from pan by grasping overhanging foil; transfer to a cutting board.  Cut into 16 squares.

Spicy Chocolate Icebox Cookies

These cookies kinda suck. They look awesome, but they’re really dry and a little over-spiced.  But they’ll probably make awesome biscotti (they’ll be soft and taste amazing if they’re soaked in espresso)! 

Spicy Chocolate Icebox Cookies 

So disappointing.

Yield: Approx. 5 Dozen

• 1½ cups all-purpose flour
• ½ cups unsweetened cocoa-powder
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• ½ teaspoon ground cloves
• 1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
• ¾ cup firmly packed light brown sugar
• 1 large egg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• ¾ cup finely chopped almonds
• ¾ cup finely chopped pecans

For Glaze:

• 7 ounces high quality unsweetened chocolate, finely chopped
• 1 teaspoon vegetable oil

1. In a medium-sized mixing bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon and cloves.
2. In a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream together butter and brown sugar until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes. With the mixer running, add in the egg and vanilla extract. Continue beating until smooth, about 2 minutes.
3. Slowly add in the flour mixture, stirring until just combined (do not over mix). Fold in the almonds and pecans. 
4. Divide the dough in half.  Shape each half into a 10 inch long log  (I do this by rolling it in a sheet of parchment paper).  Wrap each log tightly in plastic wrap and pop it in the icebox for at least 2 hours or freeze for up to a month. (To help keep the dough round, I place each plastic-wrapped log into an empty paper towel tube.  The tubes are also the perfect way to make sure my dough logs are the right size!)
5. Preheat the oven to 350°.
6. Cut the dough into 1/3 inch thick slices. Be sure to rotate the log as you go, so as not to flatten any one side. 
7. Place the slices onto a silpat or parchment paper lined baking sheet, leaving space around the cookies for expansion. Bake for 13-15 minutes, or until the cookies are just right.  Let sit on the baking sheet for 3-5 minutes to firm up. Transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.
8. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper or aluminum foil. Place wire racks over baking sheets. Put cookies on top of wire racks.
9. Melt the chocolate and vegetable oil in a double boiler. Remove from heat and whisk until smooth.
10. Use the whisk to drizzle chocolate over tops of cookies, covering as much or as little of the cookie as you’d like.  Let glaze set up (30-60 minutes depending on room temperature).

On the bright side, I finally got my tat!  It’s from my favorite passage in On the Road.  It’s a constant reminder to seize every moment, to actually live life for all it’s worth.

The tat.

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.

–Jack Kerouac